Dear Kitty, I've been having random phone sex for the past 6 months with a guy I met on MySpace. He lives in Toledo, Ohio and I've never met him. He sent me videos and photos of himself, and I have ot admit...he's really effin hot. We have awesome phone sex whenever we feel like it. But last week he sent me a text message asking if he could come visit me for New Years! He wants to spend the night with me and I've never met him!
Should I meet him? Should I sleep with him? What should I do?
-- Eileen
Dear Eileen,
The CARDINAL RULE for phone sex buddies is this: Never ever ever ever EVER meet your phone sex buddy---no matter how hot they look on-line, no matter how sexy their voice is, and no matter how much ooomph! they add to your self gratification.
But why, Kitty?? Why why why can't I be with him in the flesh??? I'm horny and I haven't been laid in almost a year!!
To completely GET why you should not meet your phone sex buddy....GO to a MALL... and go visit Santa Claus. While you're standing in line in front of Toys R US with a bunch of freaked out kids (they know something is not quite right with this guy) --compare this dude with the guy you've been fantasizing about for your entire childhood. This is the guy who rides through the sky on a sleigh with reindeer...and brings you lots of presents!
Meeting your phone sex buddy is a lot like meeting a shopping mall Santa expecting the fantasy Santa you grew up imagining. Your phone sex guy wont have a fake beard...but he definitley WILL NOT match up with the guy you imagined. Sorry I had to drag Santa Claus into this..but who knows...maybe he's the guy you've been on the phone with!
It can't be the Easter Bunny...phone sex with a giant rabbit is just wrong, Girlfriend. --Unless it the Vibrator that's called "The Rabbit". Have you tried it? And more importantly, do you USE the Rabbit while you're having phone sex?
All I can say is thank god they don't make a vibrator called "The Santa Claus" !!
So let's review this, EIllen. NEVER meet your phone sex buddy because it will spoil the fantasy...and it will be WEIRD. You'll look at him like he's an ordinary man with an ordinary dick who is nervous as hell and he doesn't think or do anything other than bang you in the most ordinay way.
If you disobey me and end up meeting him...try not to be disappointed!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Can a Straight Girl Turn Gay?
Dear Kitty, Sometimes I get sooooo tired of guys and all the grief they cause me that I fantasize about being a lesbian. If I was a gay woman, I'd never have to suffer man-inflicted heartache again. But the thought of a close encounter with the furry clam just grosses me out. For the sake of never having to be hurt by a man again....can a straight girl turn gay?
---Pam
Dear Pam,
Every woman has a lesbian fantasy. Want to know what MY lesbian fantasy is?? My lesbian fantasy is....gain 40 pounds and get a buzz cut!! Just let it all go and say the HELL with it! No more busting my ass to impress men, who will eventually become bored with me anyway. But then--- there is the issue of the furry clam. Indeed this is something different, and yukky if you aren't used to it. But if Melina "whats-her-name" who is a stunningly gorgeous model can kiss the hideously shriveled mouth of her husband, Donald Trump and have a close encounter with his aging, semi flaccid, liver spotted dick, certainly you can handle some vagina! I'd say even the most beat up vagina looks better than any body part that belongs to Donald Trump. I'd take a furry clam before I'd take that crazy red comb-over rats nest he calls his hair.
But if you MUST know the secret to becoming a lesbian...Please know that Lesbian is an acquired taste...sort of like trying certain foods for the first time. I hate to use sushi as an analogy--because right away you're probably thinking I'm trying to compare the taste of girl crotch with the taste of fish. NO, Pam--- when I say SUSHI....I'm not saying that a vagina is like a raw fish. However..I will say that the first time I tried sushi, I was grossed out by the texture of raw fish and the whole horrible idea that I was chewing on an uncooked fish.
But sushi looks so stylish and cute, its expensive, and everyone is eating it thinking they're so damn cool. So I kept trying to eat it...until one day it tasted good! Now, I love sushi! I'm a sushi ADDICT. I will pay anything for this over-priced delectable food.
Okay...maybe sushi shouldn't be mentioned when trying to teach a person how to become a lesbian.
Let's think about another acquired taste: something horrible & toxic--like cigarettes! You take a few puffs, cough and get nauseous...but after a few times of puffing away at this vile substance before you know it you're a nicotine fiend and you're paying 5 bucks for a pack of cigarettes everyday till you're old and on an oxygen tank. The point is...if you try it a few times more than once, it will seem pretty damn good.
So, Pam...if you're REALLY serious about giving up relationships with men for good, just know that humans can adapt to just about anything they're exposed to repeatedly. If I were you, I would NOT go lesbian right away.
I suggest that you ease into it. Try dating a bi sexual female, then maybe invite a guy to join you two for a three way, just so you don't have to be totally dick deprived. You never want to be alone with a guy in bed, because the temptation to fall back into your grief causing heterosexual ways would be too great.
You and your new bi girlfriend can enjoy the most powerful position on the planet! Just imagine rolling with 2 pussies instead of one. You'd become drunk with power and have men groveling at your feet. Every man would be reduced to sheer jello at the very thought of being invited on a date with you and your woman! He would pay your bills, raise your children and feed your dog! He would fix your computer, your car, and mow your lawn! You would no longer have to put up with any of his crap because no man could bear losing the privilege of getting invited into your bed with your girlfriend. But remember -- he's only there for ONE reason..and that's to supply your crotch with dick.
So, Pam...go join a bi-sexual group of women and find a wing girl to roll with in the annoying, dangerous world of dick. If you find that you want to start phasing out the dick, try demoting him to phone sex. Next blog, we'll talk more about phone sex. It's not for the shy or the naive!!
Happy Clamming, Kitty
---Pam
Dear Pam,
Every woman has a lesbian fantasy. Want to know what MY lesbian fantasy is?? My lesbian fantasy is....gain 40 pounds and get a buzz cut!! Just let it all go and say the HELL with it! No more busting my ass to impress men, who will eventually become bored with me anyway. But then--- there is the issue of the furry clam. Indeed this is something different, and yukky if you aren't used to it. But if Melina "whats-her-name" who is a stunningly gorgeous model can kiss the hideously shriveled mouth of her husband, Donald Trump and have a close encounter with his aging, semi flaccid, liver spotted dick, certainly you can handle some vagina! I'd say even the most beat up vagina looks better than any body part that belongs to Donald Trump. I'd take a furry clam before I'd take that crazy red comb-over rats nest he calls his hair.
But if you MUST know the secret to becoming a lesbian...Please know that Lesbian is an acquired taste...sort of like trying certain foods for the first time. I hate to use sushi as an analogy--because right away you're probably thinking I'm trying to compare the taste of girl crotch with the taste of fish. NO, Pam--- when I say SUSHI....I'm not saying that a vagina is like a raw fish. However..I will say that the first time I tried sushi, I was grossed out by the texture of raw fish and the whole horrible idea that I was chewing on an uncooked fish.
But sushi looks so stylish and cute, its expensive, and everyone is eating it thinking they're so damn cool. So I kept trying to eat it...until one day it tasted good! Now, I love sushi! I'm a sushi ADDICT. I will pay anything for this over-priced delectable food.
Okay...maybe sushi shouldn't be mentioned when trying to teach a person how to become a lesbian.
Let's think about another acquired taste: something horrible & toxic--like cigarettes! You take a few puffs, cough and get nauseous...but after a few times of puffing away at this vile substance before you know it you're a nicotine fiend and you're paying 5 bucks for a pack of cigarettes everyday till you're old and on an oxygen tank. The point is...if you try it a few times more than once, it will seem pretty damn good.
So, Pam...if you're REALLY serious about giving up relationships with men for good, just know that humans can adapt to just about anything they're exposed to repeatedly. If I were you, I would NOT go lesbian right away.
I suggest that you ease into it. Try dating a bi sexual female, then maybe invite a guy to join you two for a three way, just so you don't have to be totally dick deprived. You never want to be alone with a guy in bed, because the temptation to fall back into your grief causing heterosexual ways would be too great.
You and your new bi girlfriend can enjoy the most powerful position on the planet! Just imagine rolling with 2 pussies instead of one. You'd become drunk with power and have men groveling at your feet. Every man would be reduced to sheer jello at the very thought of being invited on a date with you and your woman! He would pay your bills, raise your children and feed your dog! He would fix your computer, your car, and mow your lawn! You would no longer have to put up with any of his crap because no man could bear losing the privilege of getting invited into your bed with your girlfriend. But remember -- he's only there for ONE reason..and that's to supply your crotch with dick.
So, Pam...go join a bi-sexual group of women and find a wing girl to roll with in the annoying, dangerous world of dick. If you find that you want to start phasing out the dick, try demoting him to phone sex. Next blog, we'll talk more about phone sex. It's not for the shy or the naive!!
Happy Clamming, Kitty
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Am I a Cougar? My Boyfriend is Alot Younger than Me!
Dear Kitty,
I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 20. Does that mean I'm a cougar? Does that mean I'm creepy? I love my relationship, but I'm worried about what society thinks of our ages and age difference. No one rips on Demi and Ashton, but we're not rich or famous or beautiful.
-- Jennifer
Hey Jennifer!
You asked the right person this question. I may not look it...but I'm 50. I just joined "Cougars International". I'm too old to adopt a boy. But I can date one.
The older I get, the younger the guys I date. Pretty soon I'll be dating SPERM.
Any woman age 35 or older who dates younger men is labeled "cougar". A guy who's 35 or older and dates younger women is not given a label, but regarded as "successful".
In case you haven't noticed, women are not regarded as true equals to men. If a woman dates a younger guy...she's an oddity who has to be labeled. Sort of like a person who has brown skin is often called "black". Women are sort of like black people. A black person can't simply be a person. They have to carry some sort of distinctive labeling...like "America's First Black President". Even though Obama is half caucasion, he isnt called "Mixed Race". He is labeled as "black". He just can't be the president. We have to label him the Black President...as if its really a weird thing that a person with a nice tan complextion can lead a country. If you're older than 35, you're not a woman, you're an "older woman". If you're black...you're not a woman, you're an older black woman. If you have a younger guy, you're a black cougar. Not a black panther. That's a whole different animal.
Anything you do that a man does, you will be labeled something that says, "you are different". Men can pretty much do whatever they want at whatever age they want. If a man wants to enjoy the benefits of having a more mature girlfriend...something women have been doing for thousands of years...why make him feel weird about it? Why even care at all? But back to your label, Miss Cougar. You can't do anything about the fact that people think you're cool--- but they secretly they feel a little sorry for you, because they know he will eventually leave you when you reach a certain age. It is what it is, and as long as you know what you're getting into, then enjoy the ride!
Enjoy your 20 year old. I'm sure he is super intelligent and beautiful and fun to be with. Young people are great until they get damaged by bad relationships. When I was younger I had an older boyfriend. When I was older I had younger boyfriends. One of my young lovers sold me on the idea of marrying him. Maybe it was true love...or maybe it was the fact that he was a Canadian who needed an American green card and I thought it would be cool to become a Canadian. Maybe it was a little of both.
After about 3 years...as I got closer to age 50, and he was 33...he left on a 2 month trip to work in Europe and never came back. He decided he wants to have kids with someone closer to his age. And so, I took my mother's advice and just enjoyed the ride for as long as it lasted. That's what I'll say to you, Jennifer! Enjoy the ride. Most likely it wont be a ride that lasts forever. Unlike John Mc Caine...who, at a crusty 74 years old, had the privilge of running for president. When he was 54 he adopted that baby from Bangladesh... and his hot, rich, younger wife stuck by his side.
In this day and age, a 54 year old man can adopt a baby, but a 54 year old woman would not be considered a suitable parent to an adopted infant...even if she has a hot young husband or girlfriend if she's gay. So, if I were you...I'd adopt a baby at 54 and do an amazing job raising it just to prove to all the assholes of the world that women are entitled to the same privilages as men. Hopefully someday you can just be a person who can love anyone of any age and people wont make a big deal about it and compare you to a large carnivorus cat.
When you think of it...mature, experienced women have an important role in the world. They can teach inexperienced men about sex, intimacy and sensuality. They can teach men how to care for women, how to care for kids, and how to be an awesome person.
It sucks to be an older woman if you're hoping you can hang on to your younger man. As soon as he gains confidence, he will want to explore different women and possibly have kids with one or many of them if he has a ticking body clock. Some guys definitely never want kids. When you date a younger guy, it's best to live in the moment and stay there, and never expect or count on being together for the rest of your days. Enjoy the NOW...got it? He does not want to push you around in a wheelchair when he still has some steam left. Conversely, you see alot of pretty perky women escorting "grandpa" around. Do these women find older guys attractive? I doubt it...Can you imagine being "hot" for Donald Trump? Oh yeah...he's hot! Just imagining John Mc Cain's saggy white naked ass really gets you in the mood..doesn't it?? I'm totally envious of his wife! I want some of that baggy wrinkled politico ass! Never mind naked, even imagining McCain in UNDERWEAR is a dark, horrible thought that would damage my mind and I'd never be the same a again. Some women who have seen McCain in his underwear have gone insane.
I think its safe to say women are more loyal then men.
So my advice is this, Jennifer: Enjoy your "Cougar" years, and when you reach an age where only old trolls find you appealing, learn to be a lesbian, and go gay. A woman wont desert you unless you're a total dick. Speaking of dick, how do become a lesbian? Do you wean yourself off the dick by using a smaller and smaller dildo until you get down to one that's the size of a clit?
I haven't become a lesbian for the same reason I haven't installed Vista on my computer or bought an iphone. The learning curve stops me. I'd have to learn a new lifestyle. And there isnt a tutorial or an instruction book. Even if there was, I dont feel like reading it.
But more about that Next blog when I answer the burning question:
How do I become a Lesbian??
I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 20. Does that mean I'm a cougar? Does that mean I'm creepy? I love my relationship, but I'm worried about what society thinks of our ages and age difference. No one rips on Demi and Ashton, but we're not rich or famous or beautiful.
-- Jennifer
Hey Jennifer!
You asked the right person this question. I may not look it...but I'm 50. I just joined "Cougars International". I'm too old to adopt a boy. But I can date one.
The older I get, the younger the guys I date. Pretty soon I'll be dating SPERM.
Any woman age 35 or older who dates younger men is labeled "cougar". A guy who's 35 or older and dates younger women is not given a label, but regarded as "successful".
In case you haven't noticed, women are not regarded as true equals to men. If a woman dates a younger guy...she's an oddity who has to be labeled. Sort of like a person who has brown skin is often called "black". Women are sort of like black people. A black person can't simply be a person. They have to carry some sort of distinctive labeling...like "America's First Black President". Even though Obama is half caucasion, he isnt called "Mixed Race". He is labeled as "black". He just can't be the president. We have to label him the Black President...as if its really a weird thing that a person with a nice tan complextion can lead a country. If you're older than 35, you're not a woman, you're an "older woman". If you're black...you're not a woman, you're an older black woman. If you have a younger guy, you're a black cougar. Not a black panther. That's a whole different animal.
Anything you do that a man does, you will be labeled something that says, "you are different". Men can pretty much do whatever they want at whatever age they want. If a man wants to enjoy the benefits of having a more mature girlfriend...something women have been doing for thousands of years...why make him feel weird about it? Why even care at all? But back to your label, Miss Cougar. You can't do anything about the fact that people think you're cool--- but they secretly they feel a little sorry for you, because they know he will eventually leave you when you reach a certain age. It is what it is, and as long as you know what you're getting into, then enjoy the ride!
Enjoy your 20 year old. I'm sure he is super intelligent and beautiful and fun to be with. Young people are great until they get damaged by bad relationships. When I was younger I had an older boyfriend. When I was older I had younger boyfriends. One of my young lovers sold me on the idea of marrying him. Maybe it was true love...or maybe it was the fact that he was a Canadian who needed an American green card and I thought it would be cool to become a Canadian. Maybe it was a little of both.
After about 3 years...as I got closer to age 50, and he was 33...he left on a 2 month trip to work in Europe and never came back. He decided he wants to have kids with someone closer to his age. And so, I took my mother's advice and just enjoyed the ride for as long as it lasted. That's what I'll say to you, Jennifer! Enjoy the ride. Most likely it wont be a ride that lasts forever. Unlike John Mc Caine...who, at a crusty 74 years old, had the privilge of running for president. When he was 54 he adopted that baby from Bangladesh... and his hot, rich, younger wife stuck by his side.
In this day and age, a 54 year old man can adopt a baby, but a 54 year old woman would not be considered a suitable parent to an adopted infant...even if she has a hot young husband or girlfriend if she's gay. So, if I were you...I'd adopt a baby at 54 and do an amazing job raising it just to prove to all the assholes of the world that women are entitled to the same privilages as men. Hopefully someday you can just be a person who can love anyone of any age and people wont make a big deal about it and compare you to a large carnivorus cat.
When you think of it...mature, experienced women have an important role in the world. They can teach inexperienced men about sex, intimacy and sensuality. They can teach men how to care for women, how to care for kids, and how to be an awesome person.
It sucks to be an older woman if you're hoping you can hang on to your younger man. As soon as he gains confidence, he will want to explore different women and possibly have kids with one or many of them if he has a ticking body clock. Some guys definitely never want kids. When you date a younger guy, it's best to live in the moment and stay there, and never expect or count on being together for the rest of your days. Enjoy the NOW...got it? He does not want to push you around in a wheelchair when he still has some steam left. Conversely, you see alot of pretty perky women escorting "grandpa" around. Do these women find older guys attractive? I doubt it...Can you imagine being "hot" for Donald Trump? Oh yeah...he's hot! Just imagining John Mc Cain's saggy white naked ass really gets you in the mood..doesn't it?? I'm totally envious of his wife! I want some of that baggy wrinkled politico ass! Never mind naked, even imagining McCain in UNDERWEAR is a dark, horrible thought that would damage my mind and I'd never be the same a again. Some women who have seen McCain in his underwear have gone insane.
I think its safe to say women are more loyal then men.
So my advice is this, Jennifer: Enjoy your "Cougar" years, and when you reach an age where only old trolls find you appealing, learn to be a lesbian, and go gay. A woman wont desert you unless you're a total dick. Speaking of dick, how do become a lesbian? Do you wean yourself off the dick by using a smaller and smaller dildo until you get down to one that's the size of a clit?
I haven't become a lesbian for the same reason I haven't installed Vista on my computer or bought an iphone. The learning curve stops me. I'd have to learn a new lifestyle. And there isnt a tutorial or an instruction book. Even if there was, I dont feel like reading it.
But more about that Next blog when I answer the burning question:
How do I become a Lesbian??
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