Dear Kitty, Sometimes I get sooooo tired of guys and all the grief they cause me that I fantasize about being a lesbian. If I was a gay woman, I'd never have to suffer man-inflicted heartache again. But the thought of a close encounter with the furry clam just grosses me out. For the sake of never having to be hurt by a man again....can a straight girl turn gay?
Every woman has a lesbian fantasy. Want to know what MY lesbian fantasy is?? My lesbian fantasy is....gain 40 pounds and get a buzz cut!! Just let it all go and say the HELL with it! No more busting my ass to impress men, who will eventually become bored with me anyway. But then--- there is the issue of the furry clam. Indeed this is something different, and yukky if you aren't used to it. But if Melina "whats-her-name" who is a stunningly gorgeous model can kiss the hideously shriveled mouth of her husband, Donald Trump and have a close encounter with his aging, semi flaccid, liver spotted dick, certainly you can handle some vagina! I'd say even the most beat up vagina looks better than any body part that belongs to Donald Trump. I'd take a furry clam before I'd take that crazy red comb-over rats nest he calls his hair.
But if you MUST know the secret to becoming a lesbian...Please know that Lesbian is an acquired taste...sort of like trying certain foods for the first time. I hate to use sushi as an analogy--because right away you're probably thinking I'm trying to compare the taste of girl crotch with the taste of fish. NO, Pam--- when I say SUSHI....I'm not saying that a vagina is like a raw fish. However..I will say that the first time I tried sushi, I was grossed out by the texture of raw fish and the whole horrible idea that I was chewing on an uncooked fish.
But sushi looks so stylish and cute, its expensive, and everyone is eating it thinking they're so damn cool. So I kept trying to eat it...until one day it tasted good! Now, I love sushi! I'm a sushi ADDICT. I will pay anything for this over-priced delectable food.
Okay...maybe sushi shouldn't be mentioned when trying to teach a person how to become a lesbian.
Let's think about another acquired taste: something horrible & toxic--like cigarettes! You take a few puffs, cough and get nauseous...but after a few times of puffing away at this vile substance before you know it you're a nicotine fiend and you're paying 5 bucks for a pack of cigarettes everyday till you're old and on an oxygen tank. The point is...if you try it a few times more than once, it will seem pretty damn good.
So, Pam...if you're REALLY serious about giving up relationships with men for good, just know that humans can adapt to just about anything they're exposed to repeatedly. If I were you, I would NOT go lesbian right away.
I suggest that you ease into it. Try dating a bi sexual female, then maybe invite a guy to join you two for a three way, just so you don't have to be totally dick deprived. You never want to be alone with a guy in bed, because the temptation to fall back into your grief causing heterosexual ways would be too great.
You and your new bi girlfriend can enjoy the most powerful position on the planet! Just imagine rolling with 2 pussies instead of one. You'd become drunk with power and have men groveling at your feet. Every man would be reduced to sheer jello at the very thought of being invited on a date with you and your woman! He would pay your bills, raise your children and feed your dog! He would fix your computer, your car, and mow your lawn! You would no longer have to put up with any of his crap because no man could bear losing the privilege of getting invited into your bed with your girlfriend. But remember -- he's only there for ONE reason..and that's to supply your crotch with dick.
So, Pam...go join a bi-sexual group of women and find a wing girl to roll with in the annoying, dangerous world of dick. If you find that you want to start phasing out the dick, try demoting him to phone sex. Next blog, we'll talk more about phone sex. It's not for the shy or the naive!!
Happy Clamming, Kitty